no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
