I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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