Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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