Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
