I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
it's like iHOP with fire
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
