i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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