i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
