I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
