i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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