it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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