I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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