I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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