I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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