i think my tv is drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
