dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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