my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
