I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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