Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I touched a dick in church today
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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