I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
