my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
