omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
