I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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