Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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