Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
