Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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