now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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