...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
