I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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