Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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