you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i will never coherently bang her
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
