does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
