I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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