Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
