I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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