I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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