I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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