I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
