JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
