I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
