I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
