so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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