I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
