So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
