ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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