I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
