it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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