I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
