life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
