It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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