My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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