Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
