That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
