PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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