I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I love having hate sex.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
