Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
