I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
