Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
