Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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