My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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