i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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