I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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